My pregnancy with Rohan was physically easier than either of my previous pregnancies, but emotionally it was the hardest. I went through a lot of suffering and depression. Finally, though, one day I had a huge, super important realization. I realized that what I'd been trying to do to achieve spiritual happiness -- i.e., chanting the Hare Krishna maha-mantra and reading the Shrimad-Bhagavatam at home alone -- was not enough. (I'd already heard that it wasn't enough, but this is when I realized it!!) Trying to achieve spiritual success exclusively by those means amounted to trying to jump directly to Krishna's lotus feet, which isn't the process Krishna wants us to follow. He wants us to be humble, to be aware that we're tiny, inexperienced children in devotional service, in need of training from an expert devotee who can teach us how to serve the Supreme Lord. If we don't have a guide, the odds are that we'll make many mistakes and do things Krishna doesn't like in our blind, groping, stumbling efforts to find and serve Him, which was exactly my experience.
I had known those things, but since Shrila Prabhupada is a perfect guide, and he translated and wrote the purports to the Shrimad-Bhagavatam, and it was on his advice that I was chanting Hare Krishna, I'd been thinking that I was under his shelter -- and of course I was, and that was wonderful. But that still wasn't enough. Shrila Prabhupada has disappeared from our sight in this world and gone back to the spiritual world to be with Krishna. We can see his murti in the temple, just like we can see Krishna's. We can read his words in the books, just like we can read Krishna's. And just like with Krishna, the only way we can speak to Shrila Prabhupada is through prayer -- and we can't hear his answer unless he makes that possible through some special, miraculous experience. The experience of being under Shrila Prabhupada's shelter and guidance is thus exactly the same as being under Krishna's... which means that for all intents and purposes, he might as well be Krishna as far as we're concerned (although, of course, we know he's not); he's practically on the same level as Krishna. What I'm saying is that if we're trying to make Shrila Prabhupada our direct, immediate guide, that's also an incorrect jumping process, and it's not enough. That's not all we need in our devotional life. We need personal guidance and human interaction here, on this plane of existence. We need to seek not just (theoretical) book-learning, but practical, real-life, interactive learning in how to serve Krishna through serving the Vaishnavas (devotees) who are His loving and beloved servants. And since relationships go two ways, we need to not only serve the Vaishnavas, but also allow them to take care of us!
Whenever I've felt depressed, it's always been because life was too hard and I didn't have enough support. With this new realization, I suddenly felt as if everything was clear. I was too isolated, at home alone with two kids and another on the way (and in the evenings with my husband, whom I love dearly and am very grateful to because he works hard to financially maintain us, helps out with the babies when he's home and once in awhile does some housework, and is mostly very tolerant of my shortcomings, bless his heart!!!!... but... he doesn't always understand me and is sometimes a bit too harsh and short-tempered). I was pretty cut off from any kind of gentle, sympathetic, female association, and I suddenly realized how badly I needed just that. Vaishnavi (female devotee) association, to be specific. I needed to serve the Vaishnavis, and I needed to let them take care of me. That kind of nurturing interchange would save me. My depression would immediately go away, and the ugly, rotten, moldy stagnation of my life would be replaced by a brisk current of wholesome joy, love, and spiritual progress.
I cried to Shrimati Radharani as I was chanting, praying to Her as the universal mother to mother me through Her servants. I felt so grateful for all these realizations. I also saw that if not for the emotional suffering I'd been going through due to this pregnancy, I would not have realized the futility and inadequacy of what I'd been doing to achieve happiness, nor become so desperate to seek answers as to what else I needed to do. Consequently, I could literally credit the baby in my womb (and, of course, Krishna for sending him there!) for bringing home to me at last the well-known fact, sung profusely and with maximum emphasis throughout the scriptures and often heard by me but never realized before, that association with and service to devotees (Vaishnavas) is the key to everything.
I'd known that Krishna never puts His devotees through suffering without having a great reason for it, a vital lesson for them to learn through it. But it was wonderful to see it now. Here it was -- the reason for all the suffering I'd had to go through with this pregnancy. And sure enough, it was 100% worth it. I was very glad now for every bit of emotional pain I'd gone through, because it had all helped bring me to this point. I prayed to Krishna, expressing my gratitude that, in His wisdom and mercy, He had, even against my will, sent me this child, who was like His ambassador to teach me about the supreme glory and importance of service to the Vaishnavas.
Then, suddenly, I felt as if Lord Vishnu was speaking to me, confirming my idea and suggesting that this supremely glorious purpose of this child's advent into our family be honored and commemorated by giving him the name Vaishnava dasa.
I was elated, and immediately accepted this as being, at least, my own name for him. I was thrilled to have, for the very first time, the experience of having a name already decided on for a child before the child was born. The idea of having no stress after the birth over picking a name within a given amount of time, because we already had a name for him, was novel and wonderfully peaceful; it made me very glad. I weighed the value of the communication I'd just received from the Supreme Lord against the idea of checking the baby's astrological chart after his birth for ideas on what to name him, and there was no comparison. The former felt purely transcendental to me, whereas the latter, although in line with a science given by God, was material.
However, I thought it was important for my husband to also be happy with the name we would give our son, and I didn't know what he would think of the name Vaishnava dasa. I prepared myself for the possibility that he might not like the name. I decided that I would be fine with whatever. I was excited about the name and hoped he might like it, but if he didn't, that would be OK too. We could go ahead with our usual program of consulting our astrologer friends after the birth and picking out a name accordingly, and Vaishnava dasa could just be my own special name for our son.
As it happened, indeed, my husband wasn't crazy about the name Vaishnava, so we went our usual route in naming our child, and came up with a name we both loved, which I am very happy with. But I still call our Ro-Ro "my little Vaishnava" sometimes. ^_^ And I discovered something so interesting to me!
The idea of giving him a name starting with a Swati syllable (Ru, Re, Ro, or Ta) was to strengthen the effects of Jupiter on him (which was located in Swati nakshatra when he was born). But I read that there is also another way to give a child a name connected with a particular nakshatra: you can name the child after the demigod who rules that nakshatra. In the case of Swati, that demigod is Vayu, the wind-god (who is also famous for being very strong! LOL! *see previous post for the significance of this!* ^_^ ). When I read this, I was delighted, because the names Vaishnava and Vayu both start with the same sound. Although I did not read that the system is to name your child anything starting with the same sound as the nakshatra-ruling demigod's name, but rather to give them that actual demigod name, still, due to the similarity in sound, I felt as though this astrologically validated the name Vaishnava for him. Woo-hoo! :D LOL! :D
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